talent doesn’t matter if you don’t show up…

an introduction if you even care

All signs point to this. Perhaps, I’ve been unintentionally neglecting this part because it means that now, it’s real. It’s something that exists in the world to be consumed. Naturally, I’ve always felt comfortable being the consumer. I enjoy purchasing things, swallowing tasteful treats, inhaling magenta capri cigarettes and strong drinks. When I’m the one experiencing, I’m content. When I am the one to BE experienced, I become cautious, timid and afraid.

You can’t control how others perceive and experience you. I wish I could. I am a writer, but I’ve grown fearful that isn’t how anyone thinks of me. I’ve created facades on social media of a someone who is more exuberant, beautiful and charismatic than I actually am. Someone who is firm in their convictions and morals. In actuality, I’m always second guessing myself, calling my friends last minute asking them what I should eat for dinner because I can’t make decisions for myself without confirmation that I’m doing the right thing. The problem is I don’t trust myself. I only trust myself to do the wrong thing even if I am right. I simply can’t trust that whatever I am doing, is what I SHOULD be doing, thinking and becoming…

I’ve been on the edge of releasing a poetry book for years now. Imposter syndrome told me no one would care, but recently an acquaintance told me “the only difference between you and them, is that they decided to just do it!” She’s right. The only difference between me and published poets, authors and writers is they decided to just get up and fucking do it. Everyone is scared. I have now realized in this emotion, I am not so unique. No one truly knows what they’re doing, but what makes successful people, successful is their ability to just go with it. Take a risk and see where it lands. It doesn’t matter who has the most talent, but who shows up.

I’ve never shown up to anything besides my 9-5 and that has served me only in the sense of survival, but not fulfillment.

So I found myself here. Dipping my toes into taking myself seriously as others do. Putting a title on it. I AM a writer. I AM poet. I do have things to say even if they don’t ultimately matter. If even no one reads this, it doesn’t change the fact that I am an artist.

So I welcome you to my journey of self-discovery and accountability. Showing up even if no one in attendance. I’ve been talking to myself for so long, I forgot what a conversation felt like.